Conforming to White Standards

    In my book club novel, The Vanishing Half, one of the main characters, Desiree, is not allowed to go into a department store because she is black. She lives in a city called Mallard, which is home to many light-skinned black people. When she learns how to pass off as white, she attempts to go into the store and succeeds. Although not as intense or necessary as the situation in the novel, when I was young, I would also try to act more white to feel more accepted in large groups.

    Most of the activities I did growing up were predominantly full of white people. In singing recitals, Girls on the Run, and group tennis lessons (which is funny because now the THS tennis team has only three people that aren’t of color), I would be the only Indian person present. I know it’s stupid to act like someone else, more so, to act more aligned with another race, but I was not mature enough to know not to at the time. I felt excluded and singled out, and I noticed that I did not get as many opportunities and was treated differently than the others.

    I hid my ethnic food at lunch or during snack time at activities. I wouldn’t let my mom put mehndi on me anymore. I was repulsive towards wearing Indian clothes, even to Indian events (I was also repulsive to going in the first place). I tried to share common interests in activities, foods, and lifestyles with those around me. The lack of representation in the media did not help much either - I thought that if I wanted to succeed in my interests, I could not look or act like who I am.

    Over time, I realized that if I wanted to be successful at anything, I wanted to do it by being authentic and genuine to myself and my background. I was wasting my time by trying to be someone else, which defeated the purpose of self-fulfillment. My situation significantly differs from Desiree’s for obvious reasons (she doesn’t have as much of a choice, or more so, her consequences are unfairly greater than mine if she does not conform to white standards, especially since she lives in Mallard. I hope she eventually doesn’t have to do this to live a simple life.